THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES

Basically…

In the third and final instalment the dwarves have to defeat Smaug the dragon (Benedict Cumberbatch) and then take on opposing armies before reclaiming Erebor as their home.

In other words…

Yet another one.

The main men and leading ladies…

Martin Freeman is, as ever, untouchable. Ian McKellen is just the same old Gandalf we know and love while Richard Armitage takes a dark turn as Thorin hunts for the much sought after Arkenstone.

In the chair…

Peter Jackson finally completes over a decade of work with his sixth epic but come on, it just wasn't necessary. He’s been getting a bit carried away lately and didn't need to replicate the magnitude of Lord of the Rings for a much smaller story.

So…?

Someone needs to take a knife and absolutely butcher this trilogy because the editors certainly didn't do it. In all honesty this shouldn't have been more than a two-part mission with the journey and meeting Smaug being part one, with the subsequent battles taking part in the sequel. Too much time was given to Gandalf and the elves as they paved the way for the Lord of the Rings, they're side plots were so unnecessary it came across as nothing more than padding. The battles resembled the The Two Towers so it was nothing we hadn't seen before and some parts were so far fetched it made the unbelievable, well, even more unbelievable. At least there weren't 25 endings this time, and Billy Connelly’s dry humour worked a treat (“Oh come on!”), but in essence this was just Middle Earth porn. Completely unnecessary but ticked all the boxes and kept the fans happy.

Worth the money?

Only if you need to complete the trilogy for closure. 

GET SANTA

Basically…

When Steve (Rafe Spall) is released from prison he wants to do everything he can to be a good father to his four year old son Tom (Kit Connor). But on hearing the news Santa (Jim Broadbent) has been arrested, Tom wants to help break him out of prison.

In other words…

Miracle on 34^th Street meets The Santa Clause.

The main men and leading ladies…

Rafe Spall plays the young dad trying to make up for lost time but somehow gets sucked back into the life of crime. He’s well cast and comes across as a lovable idiot. After the terrible news Kris Kringle himself, Richard Attenborough, passed away this year no one will be able to step into his Santa boots…but Jim Broadbent does a pretty good job at coming close.

In the chair…

Watch Christopher Smith take his career down an entirely different road with a family comedy after horror films such as Triangle, Severance and Creep. He branches out well.

So…?

This has a hint of Miracle on 34^th Street – with Santa being sent to prison – mixed with The Santa Clause because Steve has to take on the role of Old Saint Nick in an attempt to salvage Christmas. Combining the two works wonderfully and the cast really make this click. It’s genuinely funny, with enough hohohos for kids and adults alike, and contrary to other opinions, the Lapland trip adds the perfect dose of magic to an already strong plot. It has a mix of everything you want in a festive film and there’s a good chance this will be on your annual watch list for years to come. What a lovely early surprise gift.

Worth the money?

Yes, go and fill yourself with festive joy. 

PENGUINS OF MADAGASCAR

Basically…

Four penguins join forces with an undercover organisation, led by a husky (voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch), to fight against the evil Dr Octavius (voiced by John Malkovich) before he destroys the world.

In other words…

Great actors attempt career suicide.

The main men and leading ladies…

Let’s be honest, no one was going to go and see this for the four voices of the penguins – otherwise known as the buddies off the Shrek set. No, it was Cumberbatch, Malkovich and perhaps even Ken Jeong who would attract the audience. But unfortunately their brilliance couldn't shine through the pile of poo they’d dived head first into.

In the chair…

Eric Darnell, known for, basically, all the Madagascar films, and Simon J. Smith, known for even less, should be going back to school for a lesson in, umm, well, everything. Hopefully no bonus cheques were paid out for this one.

So…?

Imagine a bucket of utter drivel. Now imagine drowning in said bucket of said drivel. That’s what it feels like watching this movie. Right from the start it’s ridiculous. The designers must have produced the ugliest penguins of all time, they aren't likable in any shape or form, are increasingly loud and in your face, and perhaps even more irritating, the new born penguin has an alarmingly adult voice. The dry wit of Cumberbatch and Malkovich was attempted to be written into the script but even they couldn't salvage this slapstick disaster. It was so busy it was as though you’d taken a giant breath at the start and went head first into a whirlwind of idiocy. Fortunately it came to an end eventually but regrettably it won't be long before the next Dreamworks disaster is wheeled out.  

Worth the money?

Do us all a favour and don’t give this movie a penny…it might encourage them to make another one.

INTERSTELLAR

Basically…

A growing problem with dust in the atmosphere is rendering planet Earth uninhabitable. A NASA physicist plans to move the planet’s population to a new home via a wormhole but has to send a team of researchers, including Cooper (Matthew McConaughey), to discover where in space is the best option.

In other words…

Gravity with a storyline.

The main men and leading ladies…

Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway get the job done without offending or particularly thrilling anyone on either side of the likability scale. Jessica Chastain and MacKenzie Foy play the old and young Murph adding the more emotional aspects of the movie.

In the chair…

With Memento, Inception and even The Prestige to an extent, another mindfuck was almost inevitable from Christopher Nolan. At almost three hours long he should have made better use of his editor though. And wrote a better third act...

So…?

What is it with big budget movies set in space getting overhyped this year? Just like Gravity this produced yet another anticlimax because of the who-ha surrounding its release. Let’s break it down – it’s a good idea and it unfolds well. It’s exciting, intriguing and original. It even has a great, unexpected cameo. But then the third act comes along and we’re slapped in the face by the bootstrap paradox. Did no one learn from Terminator?! The bootstrap paradox is when an item, person or information is passed from the future to the past, and is then used in the original timeline, creating a never ending loop with no origin. It’s not clever, it just doesn't work because adding something new would create an alternative timeline. Come on Nolan, you’re better than that.  

Worth the money?

If you don'd mind bootstrap paradoxes? Sure, even if it's just for that wave on the big screen.

NIGHTCRAWLER

Basically…

Lou Bloom (Jake Gyllanhaal) is a lowlife chancer who stumbles into a career as a cameraman. He films Los Angeles crime and mayhem by night and sells it to broadcasters for the breakfast news, going to increasingly greater lengths to catch the ‘money shot’.

In other words…

Donnie Darko gets down and dirty.

The main men and leading ladies…

Jake Gyllanhaal has played a lot of big roles but none of them have really stood out like this one. If the Oscars bypass this performance there’s something wrong the movie industry because this is by far his best yet.

In the chair…

Director and writer Dan Gilroy makes his debut in the chair with this original noir crime thriller. If this is just the start then hurry up and bring on the rest please.

So…?

Nightcrawler is both dark and gritty as it studies Lou as a character as much as it provides nocturnal drama on the streets of LA. It’s original, exciting and pushes the boundaries in terms of both Lou’s morals and the broadcasters’. Gyllanhaal is excellent at making your skin crawl and adding an edge of discomfort to the viewing. It’s visually slick and fast paced – blink and you’ll miss something - just like your average night around LA’s crime spots. Surely this has Oscar success written all over it?

Worth the money?

Go. What are you waiting for?